Insecurities exposed
by Oo Faith oO
Summary: - April didn't realize Jackson had real feelings for her, as she figures it out she realizes what they have may just be real. - This is what I wanted to happen after their final conversation in 9x06. Rated T because I'm paranoid. Enjoy and comment/review! ;)


**Hi followers/readers! **

**You probably don't know this but I am a ****_huge_**** Grey's Anatomy fan, I dare say I'm a little obsessed, you know how it is. I've been following it since the very beginning and I feel that the characters are a part of my everyday life. **

**I've loved Jackson since the start and even if April annoyed me a little at first, I think she's really grown as a character and she and Jackson are really cute together. So imagine my happiness when they finally got together in the last episodes of season 8! I just knew it wouldn't be easy for them and I like how their relationship is developing, in the last episode (9x06) they just about made me cry!**

**Of course I wanted their conversation at the end of the episode to go a little differently so I kicked it around in my head for a while until I had to write it down and here it is. **

**Hope you like it, enjoy! ;)**

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April's pov

-and stop acting like I don't have any feelings! I have feelings, a lot of them!- Jackson half shouted at me obviously exasperated.

-about what?- I asked, I don't believe this conversation.

-you! About you, April. For you!- he says looking me straight in the eyes. I freeze for a moment.

This can't be, this is obviously just sex to him. I mean we're friends, I dare say we're even best friends, but this can't involve feelings. Even though I see something as he looks at me, a hint of a smile, his eyes are brighter than usual and so beautiful. I could lose myself in their depths and I do a little... then it hits me.

I hurt him. If he has feelings for me, I obviously hurt them comparing what we have first with a car crash and then with a dessert. I hurt him... and I can't stand it. My face is hot and I feel tears sting at my eyes. I've had feelings for him for a while now and I can imagine what it'd feel like to have them compared to horrible or trivial things.

-I'm... I'm so sorry that I hurt them... your feelings- I say, my voice shaking a little. I have waited for this to happen to me for so long, and now that is finally happening I may have potentially ruined everything.

-it's okay- he murmurs and he looks so sad. He looks away and then down, he's trying to make me feel better even if I know that I don't deserve it. I really thought this was nothing to him. That I was nothing to him, just one of the many when he's the first for me.

-I thought it was just sex...- I try to explain myself again.

-but it's not! Damn it April, can't you see it?- now I could see his eyes watering a little. I don't believe this. I can't stand to see him like this, this is too private and we're exposed just sitting here where everyone can see and hear us.

So I take his hand and head for an on-call room, in mine his hand feels so warm and a little sweaty. As I close the door behind me I feel the electricity between us in my chest. I ignore it, I have to clear things up. I turn around to face him.

In the near darkness of the room his eyes shine, I take his face in both my hands. He's warm, too warm and I see his eyes redden a little. His jaw is clenched shut as he tries to hold back tears. Damn it, I really hurt him. How could I be so stupid? He probably has had this feelings for a while now, how could have I missed them?

He closes his eyes and a small smile appears on his lips.

-Jackson...- I whisper willing him to open his eyes. When he does my heart misses a heartbeat and my breath catches a little. He's looking at me in a way that he's never had before, or maybe he has and I've just never noticed it. I take a deep breath and I open up my naïve heart to him.

-Jackson no, I couldn't see it. I think I'm seeing it for the first time right now. And to be honest it scares the living daylights out of me. I've always shied away from any physical contact for the reasons you know, and now it's overwhelming to feel all this all together. I was a virgin not too long ago and I've never thought possible to feel this attracted to someone as I am to you. Actually I really thought there may have been something wrong with me, I give myself the excuse of loving Jesus but I can't use him as an excuse anymore. The reality is I'm scared of this, I'm scared of us, of what we're becoming. And now you say you have feelings for me and I have waited for this to happen to me for so long that now that it's happening I have a hard time accepting it, I just can't believe it! And I'm so sorry I hurt you, it's just that I'm not used to needing someone as much as I need you and I'm always afraid you will one day realize how frightened, pathetic and emotionally weird I am and you won't want nothing to do with me anymore...-

My lips don't respond to my brain anymore and before I realize it I have said everything I was afraid of him to know. My head keeps buzzing with everything I want but I'm afraid to say and it's coming out as a mess of insecure thoughts about me, him and us.

Suddenly I feel his lips on mine silencing the uncontrollable stream of words coming out of my mouth, they're so soft and he moves them with a sweetness that makes my heart melt. His hands come to rest to both sides of my face and I feel safe. My head clears in an instant as I feel his body pressing mine against the door, I welcome it. Then our lips part but our foreheads remain close together, we both breathe heavily.

-I'm sorry I didn't realize... I'm sorry I hurt you, I didn't mean to...- he smiles and silences me with another soft kiss.

-April, really it's okay. I'm ready for us to be whatever you're ready for us to be. I'm just happy you know, I thought I was clear but obviously I was not. I'm sorry too for making you feel like you were just sex, it's so far from the truth it's not even funny- he says smiling his sweet smile at me. I feel lightheaded. I'm understanding this right?

-I think I know what I'm feeling. I'm just not sure if I'm ready for it yet, or if you are.- he says as he keeps holding my face and looking me straight in the eyes. I can see honesty clear in his eyes, I believe every word he's saying and my heart lifts. I feel his words deep in my chest, and I agree with him, I too think this is the big L but he's right, I'm not ready for it.

-let's just give ourselves some time, I need time to sort out my Jesus and other issues and you do too- I say with a little voice.

-Agreed.- he whispers in my hear and I shiver. His arms encircle me and come to rest on the small of my back, I lean closer and put both my hands on his chest. I look up at him and we both smile.

-does that mean no sex?- he jokes with a mischievous grin on his face. He's trying to lighten the mood and he manages it. I look at him from beneath my eyelashes trying to flirt. I probably look ridiculous even though I hear his breath catch a little as I do.

-not at all- I manage to say as his lips crash down to mine and he brings me closer.

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**Let me know if you liked this and depending on that I may decide to write Jackson's pov of the whole thing. That may be fun! :)**

**As always your reviews/comments make my day so leave a lot of them! **


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